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Articles from The OnionPeople ask me if I miss Chicago. I look outside and I see no snow. On the other hand, in Chicago I could go to Buffalo Joe's, get some spicy wings and cheddar chips, and read a copy of America's Finest News Source. Here are some physics classics:National Science Foundation: Science Hard The National Science Foundation's annual symposium concluded Monday, with the 1,500 scientists in attendance reaching the consensus that science is hard. Evangelical Scientists Refute Gravity With New 'Intelligent Falling' Theory As the debate over the teaching of evolution in public schools continues, a new controversy over the science curriculum arose Monday in this embattled Midwestern state. Scientists from the Evangelical Center For Faith-Based Reasoning are now asserting that the long-held "theory of gravity" is flawed, and they have responded to it with a new theory of Intelligent Falling. Caltech Physicists Successfully Split The Bill Sequestered in a private booth at a Pasadena-area Cheesecake Factory for nearly 25 minutes, a party of eight California Institute Of Technology physicists emerged exhausted but visibly excited Friday evening after successfully splitting the bill. Report: Iranian Science Teachers May Be Enriching Students A recently released Pentagon report is raising new worries that Iran has been operating several large facilities designed solely for the purpose of enriching mass quantities of high-grade students. Rogue Scientist Has Own Scientific Method Only months after abandoning a tenured position at Lehigh University, maverick chemist Theodore Hapner managed to disprove two of the three laws of thermodynamics and show that gold is a noxious gas, turning the world of science-defined for centuries by exhaustive research, painstaking observation, and hard-won theories-completely on its head. Stephen Hawking Builds Robotic Exoskeleton Nobel Prize-winning physicist Stephen Hawking stunned the international scientific community Monday with his latest breakthrough, a remarkably advanced cybernetic exoskeleton designed to replace his wheelchair. Bush Finds Error In Fermilab Calculations President Bush met with members of the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory research team Monday to discuss a mathematical error he recently discovered in the famed laboratory's "Improved Determination Of Tau Lepton Paths From Inclusive Semileptonic B-Meson Decays" report. Raving Lunatic Obviously Took Some Advanced Physics Known throughout the community for his verbal outbursts and his shopping cart full of trash, area street denizen "Cosmic Stan" must have studied advanced physics at some point, sources reported Monday. Japanese Leaders Say Radioactive Waste May Have Contributed To Creation Of Giant Monsters Japanese prime minister Ryutaro Hashimoto announced Tuesday that radioactive waste recently discovered in Japan's Nihon prefecture may have contributed to the development of kaijuÑtranslated as "strange, mysterious beast-animal supernatural giant warrior-monsters"Ñwhose many battles have wreaked havoc throughout the Western world and Japan since the late 1950s. Haggar Physicists Develop 'Quantum Slacks' At a press conference Monday, Haggar physicists announced the successful development of "Quantum Slacks," attractive, wrinkle-free pants that paradoxically behave like both formal and casual wear. Super Monkey Collider Loses Funding Congress voted Monday to cut federal funding for the superconducting monkey collider, a controversial experiment which has cost taxpayers an estimated $7.6 billion a year since its creation in 1983. |